Understanding Publishing

Reader Logo by The Lone Ranger

Well here's the second installment of our series using that classic writers' guide and wholly remarkable book, The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Packed with advice from poetry, how to pitch a book and dealing with the improbability of getting published this book has it all. Thought Stephen Kings' On Writing was the book to help you? Think again, it's rubbish compared to HitchHikers. I mean it's printed on paper for goodness sake whilst Hitchhikers is an electronic book easily uploaded into that lovely ipad you've just bought. Mind you, On Writing is good for starting fires, throwing at your cat and holding down your coffee table in zero-G. (Stephen King's books are not affected by gravity - scary! Try it next time you're in a lift.)

This week we see what the guide says about the power base in a Publishing house. So when we enter "Publishing Board" into the guide we get ...

Entry 702: Publishing Board

(Note: to prevent litigation the guide uses the word Vogon as a collective term for a group comprised of company executives, presidents, vice-presidents, sales and marketing people, editors and publishing consultants, who generally make up a publishing board - editors are in fact normally the ones that do champion talent and won't quote poetry at you, but often they're forced to read short extracts and told to toe the line.)

So to sum up this is what the guide says on the matter of Publishing Boards  ( I mean Vogons ... wink) ...

1 On no account should you let anyone on a Publishing Board read poetry to you

2 Remember most people on a Publishing Board can't think or imagine. Most can't spell .... they just run things

3 Publishing Boards are not evil - but they are bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous

4 Publishing Boards wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers

So there you go, now you know what you're up against - good luck with your novel that you want to see in Waterstones.

Here, if you can stomach it, is some "Vogon" poetry ...

and if you only understand english here is a guide as to how to translate the above clip ..

er whoops sorry that was from my private collection. Here's the translator ...

No comments: