by The Lone Ranger
This week I show you how to write the perfect introductory letter to send with your novel to a publisher.
First step: Do you research. Don't just send out loads of letters. Find out who is likely to be interested in your stuff, read some of the books on their lists, Google them, get to know them so you feel you can trade cigars over a camp fire.
Second step: Write your letter. Use my guideline below and just paste in your name and the name of your novel. Heh I give this to you free.
Please find enclosed the first three chapters of my fine novel Tonto is a an Idiot and a synopsis if you like that kind of thing. Now then here are my terms:
- Agree to publish my novel within three months and offer me a contract within three days and you will discover you have three lives, in addition to the one you’re living now.
- Publish my novel in six months and you’ll find six pots of gold under the sink.
- Answer this in three days, agreeing to read my novel—every word—and you’ll find your true love. Or if you’re already committed, your lover and you will enjoy three times the pleasure and joy, trust, affection, and (need I say?) sex, three times the sex, three times better.
- Six months, you’ll have a really hot date with your lover, or if you prefer, someone younger and hotter than you can remember knowing, not counting babysitters.
- Refuse me in three days and you’ll suffer an intractable, unnamable problem for three years.
- Refuse me in six months and you’ll suffer six intractable, unnamable problems for six years.
The Lone Ranger
Third step: Contact me and I will pick up your letter for you and personally ride across Indian country facing many perils to hand deliver your letter for you.
If you get a reply that says:
Who was that masked man?
You know what to say. Until next week.
O and a big thankyou to that fair lady Kathleen who sent me the above letter which I discovered when sorting through my fan mail. Good idea good woman and I copy it here as all my own work!
Was that font big enough?